Writing Away Anxious Thoughts. . .

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Woman writing

Have you ever felt helpless? Watching someone you love out of control, slowly drifting away but no one else can see, not even them?

What is it about the helpless that torments me? I remember another cousin of mine had a daughter who was diagnosed with some type of mental condition. I felt uncomfortable around her. I didn’t know what to do. Her snatching an earring out of my pierced ear didn’t help my comfort level.

The next question I ask: why do I feel the way I do about this child? Am I alone? Are there others who in a similar situation feel this way, or is it just me?

I’m sorry. I have been going on and on. . . I am talking about my eldest grandson who sustained a head injury at 16 years old which has created mood swings, rage and little or no social skills. Evaluated by psychiatrist, examined and re-examined, and the consensus is that there is nothing psychologically wrong.

From the moment I heard they were coming I felt anxious. His impulsive behavior has to constantly be put in check, at least for the first hour or so. He is a challenge at 24 years old . . . a man but yet still a boy.

I admit, my prayers are selfish because I want peace, and we haven’t had much in the last eight years. I could pretend my feelings don’t exist, or face them with God’s help to understand, accept, and move through them in a healthy way. My attitude was not healthy emotionally, nor spiritually.

What is the lesson in all of this? I believe that everything we go through there is something to be learned. It is not always easy to pick out but we can try. The first thing I realized: this is not within my control and there is nothing I can do to change what has happened, or is happening. It is painful.

I had to also admit that even at his age at the time of 15 that he made choices that were life changing. That was his decision.

Is this about him, or me? Writing. . . It’s easier to do than talk. “God, help me to think right.”

I can feel my heart change as I wrote those words: my anxiousness turned to compassion and love. Test come. I could lie to myself and pretend, while bitterness and resentment invade my heart. What will I do?

For now I will just give thanks. “Lord, thank you for reminding me how much you loved me when I was unlovable. Sometimes I forget.”

What test are you going through?

Let me know what you think.

Keep the faith,
Blondie Clayton

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